Author Archives: garrettk

It’s a Wonderful Time to Be A Christian

This article was originally published at DesiringGod.

America is facing turbulent times. Political unrest is unceasing. The racial divide is deepening. Fear and frustration swirl frantically.

This leads to only one logical conclusion: It’s a wonderful time to be a Christian.

Christians are uniquely equipped to thrive in tumultuous times, not because we are great, but because our God is. As we consider the darkness of our days, I’d like to share five reasons I think it is a wonderful time to be a Christian in America.

People are intrigued by real Christians.

Whether it be through media stories, political reports, or comedy sets, “evangelical Christians” are characterized as whiny, entitled children. We are perceived as bigoted hate-mongers looking down on others while blinded to our own shortcomings. We are seen as outdated, overrated, and irrelevant.

Yet, when someone meets an actual Christian these days, they often are intrigued.

Our convictions are peculiar, but the gentleness and respect with which we hold them is refreshing (1 Peter 3:15). We don’t demonize those we disagree with, but treat them with charity, as we want them to treat us (Matthew 7:12). We engage with humility because we know that we too are imperfect and need God to change us as well.

“The peace Jesus provides is strong enough to hold back the gates of hell, and weather the storm we face today.”

Our community is also peculiar. When they observe the church, they find a people who are not naturally united. We come from different cultures, vote for different candidates, march for different causes, and often have little in common — except Jesus. When people spend time with us, they perceive a love marked by patience, charity, and heavenly-mindedness.

Now, not everyone will like real Christians when they meet them. But God’s word promises that he will use our love to change people’s opinion of us and (more importantly) of our God:

Keep your conduct among [non-believers], so that when they speak against you as evildoers, they may see your good deeds and glorify God on the day of visitation. (1 Peter 2:12)

If Christians will engage their neighbors with courageous, humble, honest, servant-hearted love, people will be pleasantly surprised.

Christians have the answer for racial reconciliation.

The rock of racial unrest has been rolled over in our country. Out from the darkness have crawled sorrowful reminders that our progress is incomplete. The anger and apathy that swirls around our brokenness tempts many to despair.

Yet Christians know Jesus provides a better way. On the one hand, we cannot simply say Jesus is enough and expect peace. The issues are far too complex and wounds too deep for a superficial balm. The hard work of praying, fasting, listening, learning, confessing, repenting, forgiving, and changing is required.

White brothers and sisters ought to show love by learning about the deep roots of social, institutional, and communal injustices that affect many today. Read the Scriptures alongside historical books that recount the black experience in America. Talk about what you are reading with African-American friends and include other minority friends in the discussion. Don’t be defensive or quick to make excuses. Listen. Learn. Repent of sin that is exposed. Empathy is developed when education occurs in the context of relationships.

Black brothers and sisters, I encourage you toward a resilient faith. Many of your forefathers endured oppression, were denied membership in white churches, and grew despite a lack of access to theological education. We need to see that resilience now. Systems of injustice will not be corrected overnight, which means that testing will continue. But as tests come, please ensure that your hearts are being purified and not petrified. White Christians are not your enemy. Jesus says they are family. The Lord calls us to “hope” all things, including the best in fellow believers, even when we hurt, confuse, or disappoint each other.

On the other hand, we must say Jesus is enough, for he himself is our peace.

[Jesus] is our peace, who has made us both one and has broken down in his flesh the dividing wall of hostility. (Ephesians 2:14)

We have already been reconciled in Christ (2 Corinthians 5:16–20). While laboring to apply this reconciliation takes hard work, we must remember that he has made us one — even if we don’t feel like it (Ephesians 4:1–3). The peace Jesus provides is strong enough to hold back the gates of hell and weather the storm we face today.

The world does not have an answer like Jesus. They have no power and no lasting solutions. But we have an opportunity to show them the unity that Jesus prayed for and purchased with his blood (John 17:20–21).

At the cross alone, fear mongering, finger pointing, and apathetic indifference are put to death, and real reconciliation comes to life.

God has brought unreached peoples to us.

For centuries, the American church has been praying, raising money, and sending workers to take the good news of Jesus to people who have not heard. This work is important and must continue, but we can’t overlook what God is doing in our own backyard.

God has brought unreached peoples to us.

“What would happen if Christians opened their homes and their lives to the strangers who live next to them?”

Though policies surrounding immigration are debated, the reality of immigration is not. Tens of millions of legal and illegal immigrants have settled in the United States. Many have fled war-torn countries and are seeking a fresh start. Many are seeking hope which cannot be found in Allah or any other supposed god.

Regardless of your political views, if you are a Christian, your theological convictions should spur you to action. What would happen if Christians opened their homes and their lives to the strangers who live next to them? Showing Christlike hospitality to Muslim neighbors is essential for them to understand the true message of Christianity.

I do not say this lightly — we are positioned to fulfill the Great Commission.

Dispersed peoples and advances in technology have opened unparalleled opportunities to advance the gospel. While we are able, we must steward this opportunity and make disciples among the nations, and by his grace, many are in our backyard.

Persecution is purifying us.

Jesus promised that following him would be costly. He warned, “If they persecuted me, they will also persecute you” (John 15:20). Ostracism and affliction have marked the church since its beginnings. Yet, the United States has been largely spared this common experience of believers.

Many minority groups have tragically endured oppression, but as a whole, the church in America has known freedom to worship Jesus. In fact, public worship has not only been allowable, but advantageous. Churchgoing opened doors for business, made one appear trustworthy, and was required for social acceptability.

But the tide is changing. And as it does, Christians are experiencing increasing pressure from the world to conform or be conformed. This pressure will expose some so-called “Christians” as imposters, but for true believers, it will produce maturity.

Pressure from the world pushes Christians deeper into Christ. As this happens, we will be pruned and purified. We are forced to search his word to explain our convictions (1 Peter 3:15). The importance of prayer becomes undeniable. Political power is exposed as a mirage. Sin’s offerings are less desirable. Our affections are reoriented toward heaven.

In his mercy, God uses persecution to purify our profession of faith to the point that we can honestly say, “Whom have I in heaven but you? And there is nothing on earth that I desire besides you” (Psalm 73:25). Persecution should never be sought, but when it comes, we can trust that God will use it for our good.

We are closer to seeing Jesus than ever before.

The hour has come for you to wake from sleep. For salvation is nearer to us now than when we first believed. (Romans 13:11)

Every generation since Christ’s ascension has clung to this promise. As time has passed, it has only become truer. Whether Christ will return in our day is yet to be seen, but the horizon is brightening as the day is darkening. The believer sees this hope with unveiled eyes and senses the sweetness of approaching glory.

Until now, many of us have gone days or weeks without even giving thought to the Lord’s return. Our love for the world has drowned out the need to hope in the world to come.

“Whether Christ will return in our day is yet to be seen, but the horizon is brightening as the day is darkening.”

Yet, in God’s kindness, today is a new day. As we grow in our love for Christ, our hearts will be oriented toward heaven. We will find the chatter of the world emptier and the promises of heaven fuller.

The Lord’s return cannot leave us unaffected. Let it move you to prayer for perseverance (Mark 14:38). May it press you to risk all to reach the unreached (Matthew 24:14). Ready yourself for your heavenly bridegroom, and let his coming keep you sober, knowing it could interrupt your next breath (Luke 12:40).

It is a wonderful time to be a Christian. God is working among all nations, including ours. Let us not despair or be deceived, but lift our eyes in hope to him who is coming soon.

Photobombing Jesus – Confessions of a Glory Thief

Mom and Dad, Thank You

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In a recent post, Tim Challies shared a few practical ways adult children can honor their parents. One of his suggestions was to esteem your parents privately and publicly. So, I’ve shared the following with them in private, and now, with their permission, I share it with you in public. Thank you for taking a moment to read, I pray the lessons bless you as they’ve blessed me.

Mom and Dad-

The Bible says to “honor your mother and father” (Exodus 20:12). I know I haven’t always done this well, but I trust you both know how much I love you. As my years increase, I have given more thought to ways God has used you to shape me into the man I am today. I could list many things, but I’d like to share one for each of you and then one for the both of you.

Mom, you taught me how to make a house a home.

From what I can remember, I lived in seven different houses growing up. But no matter where the house was, it was always home. You made sure of that. I don’t remember fancy decorations or eccentric decor. But I do remember a warmth that withstood the winters of life.

Home was a refuge for me. In my early years I was picked on and ostracized quite a bit, but home was always a safe place. I never felt the need to run away. I never feared coming home. I don’t remember there being stress, though I’m sure it was present.

Holidays were fun. I don’t know if we received many gifts, but I know what was given, was done so in love. Meals were faithfully prepared for us. Encouraging words occupied the air. You wanted us to have wonderful memories, and my mind is filled with them.

But our house wasn’t just a home for our family, it was a home for others. Our door revolved so much I’m surprised we didn’t have to replace the hinges. People called you “mom,” because you were one to so many. People loved you because you made them feel like part of the family, even if it was their first visit. You made enough food for visitors and always let people stay over if they were in trouble.

This hospitality marks our family today. Carrie and I have had people live with us nearly every month since we’ve been married. Our dinner table is often graced by friendly faces. The Lord uses your example from my childhood to help our family do this well. I love you mom.

Dad, you taught me to work hard and to work with hope.

Laziness was not permitted in our family. You knew that we only have one life and that if we wanted to get anything out of it, we needed to work hard. Whether you were starting a new business, turning someone else’s around, or dreaming of what might be next—you showed me what it means to work with diligence.

When set backs came, your resilience shined. When others would have quit, you smiled and said, “there must be another way.” You worked hard because you wanted to do well, but also because you wanted to do well for us. You wanted our family to have what we needed. And thanks be to God, we always did.

You challenged me to begin working young and save money. When I was twelve, you loaned me cash to buy a lawnmower. You helped me get jobs and helped me improve when I got fired. You never let me say, “I can’t” without exhausting every conceivable way forward. You never let me quit a team. You weren’t a drill sergeant, but you were a firm and fatherly leader. You encouraged me, and pushed me to be excellent, and never to do things “half-hearted.”

This marks me today. God has taken your example and set it apart for Himself. He often brings your words to mind and I believe He will use your lessons to help me be a more faithful servant with what He has entrusted me.

And though you worked hard, you also worked hard to be present. For as many hours as you labored, I never remember you being absent. I remember fishing trips and walks with the dogs. I remember you being home at night and wrestling with me when I was younger. I remember you and mom being at every single one of my games, no matter what.

This too has marked me, though I often feel I fall far short. Thank you for pushing me to be man who works hard, yet doesn’t forget why he is doing it. You have forever shaped me dad, and I love you for it.

Mom and dad, you’ve stayed married through the good days and bad.

In God’s wisdom, He brought you together many moons ago. You were young, in love, and according to your stories, probably still a little stoned. You scrapped together what you needed, but it didn’t matter what you had, because you had each other.

As the days passed, God blessed you with a couple of awesome kids. Your tribe increased, and so did your joy. As I remember, you were wonderful parents. Our house was filled with laughter. We ate most meals together. We always had food, even when times were tough.

I remember dad stealing a kiss from mom any time he could. He always told her how beautiful she was. The affection you guys showed each other taught me how a husband and wife should love one another. Our kids see this today in the way Carrie and I love each other. Thank you for that.

I remember our family going to church together nearly every week (even though I only went for the girls). I remember mom singing the Old Rugged Cross and reciting Psalm 23 and the Lord’s prayer while I snuggled in her lap. I remember our beach trips to the Outer Banks, and road trips to grandma’s house.

You partnered together to encourage me in playing sports and doing my homework. I remember dad doing all he could to provide for our family, and mom steadily working at the hospital. You were a good team together, and I praise God I got to see it.

But not everything was easy. Broken bones, burned homes, car accidents, and nearly empty bank accounts put pressure on your bond that would have caused many others to break. Though you were cracked at times, you did not give way. Only you know the depth of your private pains and disappointments. There are some scars that only heaven will heal.

But as I have watched you persevere, I have learned what love is. You didn’t have a perfect marriage, no one does. But you have had a lasting one. And that’s saying a lot. God has brought to my mind, more times than I can count, the fact that love doesn’t quit.

Mom didn’t quit on dad.

Dad didn’t quit on mom.

You didn’t quit on each other.

Kells don’t quit.

We fight and pray and persevere by the grace of God. And that has marked me. And I have great hope it will mark generations of Kells to come.

You have blessed me more than you know. And I trust someday you will see when Jesus shows you.

I am forever thankful to call you my parents.

I love you both.

With eternal gratitude,

Your Son—Garrett

What Happens To Our Pet When It Dies?

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This morning, we were awakened by the tears of one of our children. They had found our dog, Nellie, dead on the floor.

Nellie was a cross-eye Chihuahua who was relatively new to our family, but she had already brought us much joy. She was about as good a dog as a Chihuahua can be.

As the tears flowed, the questions began to flow as well.

“Why did Nellie have to die?”

“Why did God take Nellie so soon?”

“Will we see Nellie in heaven?”

While some may think these questions are silly, I do not.

The longer we live on this fallen planet, the more sorrow we face. Some suffering is small, and other is great; but it all hurts. Some families experience tragedy early and often. Ours has been spared significant tragedy, but times like these leave their mark.

After a little while, we were able to talk about what we were feeling and what questions we were processing. Here are a few highlights.

We know why our pets die.

Death is one of the saddest and most certain realities of this life. There are few things like death to sober us—whether it be a pet or a fellow image bearer. A cold, stiff body that lacks the life it once supported is a heavy reminder that something is wrong with our world.

So why does death happen? The Bible tells us plainly that when Adam and Eve sinned against God, a curse was put not just on humanity, but on all creation (Genesis 3:14, 19). Because of this, death comes for all of us; people and animals alike.

Some may want to shield their children from discussions of death, but we do not.

In Deuteronomy 6, God instructs Israel with His commands and then gives parents this charge, “You shall teach them diligently to your children, and shall talk of them when you sit in your house, and when you walk by the way, and when you lie down, and when you rise” (Deuteronomy 6:7).

Discipleship in the home happens as we live life together, and as we bury pets together. We tell our children that death is in the world because of the curse of sin. All of us will die, and days like these remind us that even our beloved pets are not exempt.

We don’t know why our pets die when they die.

Death comes for all of us in a time and in a way that is most normally unexpected. Nellie was, as far as we could tell, a healthy little dog. She seemed to go peacefully in her sleep. I have also lost other pets in much more traumatic ways. When my daughter looked at me and said, “Why did she have to die now?” I simply held her and said, “I don’t know.”

God never tells any of us when our time is up. When we love someone, it always seems like our time with them was too short. I encouraged her that our family loved Nellie well, and she loved us in like measure. I also reminded her that we need not be afraid of losing those we love, but we must love them as well as we are able while they are with us.

God is not cruel, He is caring.

The God of the Bible is not a cruel, distant, absentee father who simply calls His suffering children to “suck it up.” Rather, He gives us precious promises.

One we talked about is from Psalm 34:18, “The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.”

When pets die, it is a fine time to grab a promise from the Lord and allow it to bring you comfort. Again, for some this may seem like a petty thing to bother God with. But I want to assure you it is not. In fact, if your god doesn’t care about the tears of a child who has lost their beloved pet, then your god is too distant. The God of the Bible does not scold us for the kinds of sorrows we have. He meets us in them, whatever they may be, and points us to Himself as our only sure comfort.

God doesn’t tell us what happens to our pets when they die, but we can trust Him.

Anyone who has ever had a pet die has asked, “will I see them again?” Some give hearty assurances based merely on what they hope will come to pass. But hope is far too precious to cast it on what we desire to be true. It is safer to base our beliefs on what God says is true. And on this issue, He just doesn’t say.

Animals do not have the same hope humans do, because humans are distinctly differently. We are created in God’s image; animals (and angels) are not (Genesis 1:26-27). People have a unique ability to reason among living beings (Psalm 32:9). Jesus came as a man to save mankind, not animals.

Yet the Bible does speak about the presence of animals in the life to come. Isaiah 11:6-8 and Isaiah 65:25 list numerous animals as they describe the eternal kingdom of God. God’s promises of the world to come portray a world in which animals will know the peace they too have longed for (Romans 8:18-25).

I think this gives us good reason to assume that God will fill the New Heavens and New Earth with redeemed image bearers, elect angels, and all sorts of animals. Beyond this, we do not know much.

Will our animals be in heaven? It is best to be honest and say we do not know. I would not be surprised if God, in His generous wisdom, chose to allow us to enjoy the company of familiar animals in glory. But we can be certain of two things.

First, we can be certain that if it will bring God more glory and it will help us to enjoy Him forever, then God will reunite us with our pets. God knows what good gifts to give us, now and for eternity (Luke 11:13). As Romans 8:32 says, “He who did not spare his own Son but gave him up for us all, how will he not also with him graciously give us all things?” God knows what is good for us to have, so we can trust Him.

Second, we must guard our hearts and not allow love for pets or animals to diminish or love and trust in God. No matter how good any gift God gives us, we must remember that He is the One worthy of our devotion, not the gift itself. Pets included.

So how did I answer my children?

I told them that we don’t know exactly what happens to our pets when they die. But we do know God is good, we can trust Him, He will do what is best, and that I wouldn’t be a bit surprised if we saw our pets again in glory. If I’m wrong, that’s fine, there is no serious doctrine in danger, nor are my children’s hopes tied to anything other than God’s wisdom in dealing with His children.

To read more perspectives on this topic, consider these articles by John Piper, Randy Alcorn, Jim Daly, and Christianity Today.

You Can’t Wear Out God’s Promises

The Great Tragedy of the 2016 Election

Would God Celebrate Planned Parenthood’s 100 Years?

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On Sunday, October 16, Planned Parenthood celebrated “100 years of healthcare services.” The group’s celebration trended on social media, and was even joined by both President Obama and the Democratic nominee, Hillary Clinton.

For many, the work of Planned Parenthood is truly a reason to rejoice. The group provides assistance to women who exercise their “right” to end the existence of a developing baby in their womb. This service that helps women “determine their own lives” is seen as an ultimate good, and therefore a reason to celebrate.

Last year, an Advocacy Board that advises Planned Parenthood even went so as to say that nation’s largest abortion provider is “doing God’s work” and the group released a “pastoral letter” claiming that the Bible says nothing about abortion.

Here’s the direct quote from that letter, “many people wrongly assume that all religious leaders disapprove of abortion. The truth is that abortion is not even mentioned in the Scriptures — Jewish or Christian — and there are clergy and people of faith from all denominations who support women making this complex decision.”

As many celebrate the existence of Planned Parenthood, it is important for us to consider whether or not heaven would join in the jubilee. The fact that something is popular, and even endorsed by powerful people, does not make it right. What matters most is whether or not God is pleased with it.

Since abortion is an issue that is near to my heart, I thought I’d take a moment to consider whether Planned Parenthood’s 100 years of existence should be celebrated or not. As you read these Scriptures and consider what you see, ask God to show you if it is true—because in the end what He thinks is what matters most.

Abortion in the Bible

Though the Bible doesn’t mention the word “abortion,” it clearly teaches that abortion is a terrible sin against another person. These are not all the verses we could consider, but they are a few that best capture what the Bible says about this all important issue.

Exodus 21:22–25 “When men strive together and hit a pregnant woman, so that her children come out, but there is no harm, the one who hit her shall surely be fined, as the woman’s husband shall impose on him, and he shall pay as the judges determine. ²³But if there is harm, then you shall pay life for life, ²⁴eye for eye, tooth for tooth, hand for hand, foot for foot, ²⁵burn for burn, wound for wound, stripe for stripe.”

Does the Bible seem to clearly teach here that what comes out of a woman is a not just a fetus, but is a child? How serious does God say it is to kill an unborn child? If this is true of an accidental injury to a pregnant woman and her child, how much more serious is an intentional act of killing a child in the womb?

Ecclesiastes 11:5 “As you do not know the way the spirit comes to the bones in the womb of a woman with child, so you do not know the work of God who makes everything.”

If God sends a “spirit” to come into a woman to produce a child, does that not show that what is inside her is living? If God says, I want a child in that womb, do we have the right to tell God “no, You may not do that, I will take that living thing out of me?”

Job 10:10–12 “Did you not pour me out like milk and curdle me like cheese? ¹¹You clothed me with skin and flesh, and knit me together with bones and sinews. ¹²You have granted me life and steadfast love, and your care has preserved my spirit.”

What happens when sperm and egg unite in what we call conception? Is that not life? If you can detect a heartbeat (5-8 weeks after conception) does that not mean there is something living there? Where do skin, flesh, bone and sinews form? Are they not made in the womb? If we found all of this on another planet, would we not celebrate that we have found life there?

Psalm 139:13–16 “For you formed my inward parts; you knitted me together in my mother’s womb. ¹⁴I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Wonderful are your works; my soul knows it very well. ¹⁵My frame was not hidden from you, when I was being made in secret, intricately woven in the depths of the earth. ¹⁶Your eyes saw my unformed substance; in your book were written, every one of them, the days that were formed for me, when as yet there was none of them.” (cf. Job 31:15; Isaiah 44:2)

What do you think the Bible is implying when David says God “formed” his “inward parts” in his “mother’s womb?” What does it imply when it says he was “wonderfully made” and “intricately woven”? Does this not imply that God is at work in the womb, creating a human being? If God knows “all the days” of that being, even while its substance is “unformed”, does that not imply that God has a plan for that being in the womb? Do we have the right to tell God to stop this marvelous work because we have other plans?

Isaiah 49:1 “Listen to me, O coastlands, and give attention, you peoples from afar. The Lord called me from the womb, from the body of my mother he named my name.”

If God calls and names someone when they are in the womb, does that not make them a living person?

Jeremiah 1:5 “Before I formed you in the womb I knew you, and before you were born I consecrated you; I appointed you a prophet to the nations.” (cf. Galatians 1:15)

If God has knowledge of someone as a person before they are even formed in the womb, does that not show that what is in the womb has great value and worth? Does not God forming someone in the womb show His intent to bring a life along to His designed end?

Amos 1:13 “I will not revoke the punishment, because they have ripped open pregnant women.”

Why does God see the ripping open of a pregnant woman’s womb as such a big deal? How is this different than His anger toward someone who would kill a woman who isn’t pregnant? Could it be that they would be killing two people?

Luke 1:39–44 “In those days Mary arose and went with haste into the hill country, to a town in Judah, ⁴⁰and she entered the house of Zechariah and greeted Elizabeth. ⁴¹And when Elizabeth heard the greeting of Mary, the baby leaped in her womb. And Elizabeth was filled with the Holy Spirit, ⁴²and she exclaimed with a loud cry, “Blessed are you among women, and blessed is the fruit of your womb! ⁴³And why is this granted to me that the mother of my Lord should come to me? ⁴⁴For behold, when the sound of your greeting came to my ears, the baby in my womb leaped for joy.”

What does the Bible say was in the womb of Elizabeth? Does it not call John a “baby?” And what does that baby do when it hears the voice of the pregnant Mary? Does it not say the baby leaped for joy? And what does she say about the “fruit” of Mary’s womb (see also Psalm 127:3)? Does this not imply that what is in her is of value and has great worth? From this don’t we have to conclude that what is in her womb is a baby?

After looking a just a few verses, it is overwhelmingly clear that God views what is in the womb of a woman at conception to be a life, a baby, a human being like you and me.

The Bible also teaches that taking the life of another person (murder) is a grievous sin. In Exodus 20:3 God says “you shall not murder” (cf. Genesis 9:5; Matthew 5:21; 19:18; Romans 13:9; 1 John 3:15).

To end a life is to kill it. We may want to phrase it differently, but an “abortion,” a “choice to not keep the baby,” to “terminate a pregnancy,” are all clearly ending a life. This is murder. The Bible forbids this because it teaches that God alone has the right to give life and take it away (Deuteronomy 32:39; 1 Samuel 2:6; Job 1:21).

God also says that when his people have murdered their children, that it is a great sin in His eyes (Leviticus 20:2; Deuteronomy 12:31; 2 Kings 16:3, 21:6; Jeremiah 7:31, 32:35).

Whether or not one believes the Bible is another matter, but to suggest that the Bible allows abortion is deceptive. One of the earliest Christian documents The Didache (circa A.D. 100) says “You shall not murder a child by abortion.” Christians have always believed that God does not give us permission to take the life of our children. He gives, we may not take away.

So does God celebrate with Planned Parenthood? He does not. Rather, He weeps over it. God loves people and He loves the children in mother’s wombs. He is the One who creates life, and He is the One to whom all of us must look when we find ourselves in situations we never planned for.

If you are considering an abortion and feel like you have no other options, please know there are people who can help you. They can connect you with loving families who would be willing to discuss adoption. I know a family who is waiting by the phone right now to adopt a child, even the one in your womb.

If you feel that you have no where to turn, please know that Planned Parenthood isn’t your only option. God has other options that are worth celebrating. I plead with you to reach out to a faithful local church near you, we can help you find one (info@delraybaptist.org) or email outreach@assistcpc.org who can connect you to someone in your area.

Please know that God meets us where we are in our journey, and He does this through His Son Jesus. If you find yourself weary, hear this word of promise from the Lord Himself, “Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest” (Matthew 11:28). Please turn to the Lord in this season of great decision and allow Him to give you the grace we all desperately need.

Intentionally Intrusive Questions – Lessons from John Wesley

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Nearly 300 years ago, John and Charles Wesley formed a discipling group on the campus of Oxford University. Fellow students scoffed at the group and called them “The Holy Club” because of their methodical approach to the Christian life.

The Wesley brothers aimed to use every waking moment of their lives to worship God, and this group was the center of their life together. They regularly met to read the Bible, discuss classic writings, serve the poor, fast, pray, and challenge each other with questions.

While all these elements are noteworthy, let’s take a moment to consider their practice of asking questions to each other.

What follows are 22 questions they used with one another on almost a daily basis.

Am I consciously or unconsciously creating the impression that I am better than I really am? In other words, am I a hypocrite?
Am I honest in all my acts and words, or do I exaggerate?
Do I confidentially pass on to others what has been said to me in confidence?
Can I be trusted?
Am I a slave to dress, friends, work or habits?
Am I self-conscious, self-pitying, or self-justifying?
Did the Bible live in me today?
Do I give the Bible time to speak to me every day?
Am I enjoying prayer?
When did I last speak to someone else of my faith?
Do I pray about the money I spend?
Do I get to bed on time and get up on time?
Do I disobey God in anything?
Do I insist upon doing something about which my conscience is uneasy?
Am I defeated in any part of my life?
Am I jealous, impure, critical, irritable, touchy or distrustful?
How do I spend my spare time?
Am I proud?
Do I thank God that I am not as other people, especially as the Pharisees who despised the publican?
Is there anyone whom I fear, dislike, disown, criticize, hold a resentment toward or disregard? If so, what am I doing about it?
Do I grumble or complain constantly?
Is Christ real to me?

Three Considerations from the Holy Club

Accountability. The Wesley Brothers’ model of discipleship is worth emulating on many levels. Their example of committed love for one another is a critical part of the Christian life. In our individualistic age, we would do well to remember that God designed the Christian life to be lived out in the context of committed community.

At our church, we regularly encourage members to develop “intentionally intrusive relationships” with one another. This kind of accountability can make us uncomfortable at times, but we rarely grow in holiness when we are comfortable.

Who are you developing intentionally intrusive relationships with?

Who knows everything about you?

Do you run from soul-exposing relationships?

If so, why? What are you hiding?

What damage will be done to your soul if you keep running?

Who are you helping to follow Jesus in a similar manner?

God uses the intentional love of other brothers and sisters to push us into the light and further along the Highway of Holiness (Isaiah 35:8). You can learn more about what this kind of accountability could look like by reading this.

Questions. Well-aimed questions are often used by God to penetrate past the surface and pierce the deepest recesses of our hearts. God asked revealing questions in the Old Testament (Gen. 3:9-11; 1 Kings 19:9; Job 38-41), just as Jesus did during His earthly ministry (Matt. 16:15; John 6:67, 21:15-19). Asking and answering thoughtful questions is a good way to stir up the sinful mud that settles in our hearts.

But simply having and asking questions isn’t the goal.

Did you actually read the 22 questions above?

Did you pause and allow them to do work on your soul?

What are you in such a hurry to go do?

I encourage you to consider going through this list with another brother or sister in Christ. Feel free to sharpen the questions or make additions to the list. I don’t think the Wesley Brothers would mind. All they would ask is that their aim be the same as theirs—holiness.

Holiness. This “Holy Club” had one chief goal. They desired to be set apart from the world, and set apart to God. They longed to be free from their worldly ways. They didn’t want their sins coddled in the darkness. No, these men wanted to be holy. And they knew that holiness doesn’t just happen by itself (1 Tim. 4:7-8; 2 Timothy 2:22; 2 Peter 1:5-7).

That is why they pursued each other and questioned each other and encouraged each other and prayed for each other. And this is of course, the very purpose of our lives. “As He who called you is holy, you also be holy in all your conduct, since it is written, “You shall be holy, for I am holy” (1 Peter 1:15-16).

One of the most striking things for me in this study was that the Wesley Brothers very well may have not been believers until almost a decade after their Holy Club was formed. This doesn’t mean we should discount the importance of accountability or questions in the life of believers. It should however remind us that merely doing these things does not ensure anyone of a right standing with God. That comes by grace alone through faith alone in Christ alone.

As you pursue devotion to God, seek Him with diligence. But do not do it alone. God’s people are to be intentional in their love for each other, doing all they can to cultivate holiness in one another. My prayer is that God will use these types of intentionally intrusive questions in the context of committed relationships to produce faith and devotion to Christ until we see His face.

Come, Lord Jesus, come!

Was Jesus Liberal or Conservative?

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Was Jesus a Liberal or Conservative?

These are notes from talks given at the U.S. Capitol, Georgetown Law, George Washington University, and most recently Georgetown University.

As we begin, I want to say that I’m not a political expert. I am a Christian pastor. This is important because I want to be very clear that my main intent tonight is not to move you to the left or right in your political convictions. My aim is to help all of us grow in our understanding of who Jesus is. In fact, I propose that what we think about Jesus and how we respond to Him is infinitely more important than our political convictions—though they aren’t unrelated.

Also, if I wrongly represent someone’s political views, please know that’s not my intent. None of us like to be pigeonholed and we all know there’s a vast spectrum between the right and the left. My aim is to be fair in this discussion, so I’ll ask you to be gracious as well. This, I hope, is the beginning of a conversation that could last for the rest of our lives. I desire to grow in my understanding of these topics, and I trust you do as well. We’ll have time at the end for Q & A, so please feel free to take notes and we’ll process together after the talk.

When it comes to politics, religion, or pop culture, Jesus is the kind of guy people like to be associated with. Whether it’s Justin Beiber giving Jesus a shout out at the VMAs or Duck Dynasty guys quoting Jesus in the woods or politicians doing commercials about their thankfulness for “the evangelicals”—people like to have Jesus on their side.

Some political or social liberals, suggest that if Jesus were on the earth today, He’d be dressed in denim work clothes, teaching and modeling equality, inclusion, and tolerance. After all, He’s the One who said we should “turn the other cheek” (Mt. 5:38) and “judge not lest you be judged” (Mt. 7:1-5). They suggest that because Jesus healed the sick (Mt. 12:15) and taught us to help “the least of these” (Mt. 25:40) that He’ call for free universal healthcare. They say that if He were here today He’d propose higher taxes on the rich so the poor could follow their dreams (Mt.19:21).

At the same time, some political or social conservatives have long claimed to be the ones who really know Jesus. They maintain that if He lived today, He’d be at their rallies giving orders to flip the tables of Planned Parenthood (Mt. 21:12) and calling for the government to quit oppressing people’s morality and pocketbooks. He’d be speaking out about border control (Mt. 10:5) and traditional marriage (Mt. 19:1-6) and the rights of the unborn (Mk. 12:31).

These camps often oppose each other; and both think they are right. A CNN article titled Do you believe in a Red State Jesus or a Blue State Jesus?, rightly said that after the election “somebody somewhere in America will fall on their knees and pray, ‘Thank you Jesus.’ And somebody somewhere else will moan, ‘Help us Jesus.’”

So what do you think? Would Jesus be red or blue? Would He be setting up a soup kitchen or shouting at the religious hypocrites? Was Jesus a liberal or a conservative?

To help us answer this, we’ll spend the rest of our time exploring three topics that Jesus taught about which are relevant in political discussions today. We’ll consider what Jesus taught about taxes, what He taught about the rich and the poor, and what He taught about human flourishing.

#1 – What did Jesus teach about Taxes?

In the Gospel of Matthew 22:15-22, Jesus was confronted by the Pharisees (religious conservatives of His day) about whether or not people should pay taxes to Caesar, the Roman emperor. Jesus asked them to bring him a coin and asked, “whose [inscription] is on it?” They said “Caesar,” to which Jesus famously replied “render to Caesar the things that are Caesar’s and render to God the things that are God’s.”

What He meant by that is, because Caesar is King give him what is due him, namely taxes. Now, when Jesus says pay your taxes, He’s not talking about giving money to a government that you might fear will squander it. Rather, He’s talking about giving money to one of the most cruel and perverse government systems in the history of the world. Rome was ruthlessly oppressive to everyone under their authority.

Why would Jesus say to pay taxes to them? Because Jesus recognized government is a God-ordained institution set up to maintain order and uphold justice and righteousness in a fallen world (Gen. 9:6). Every government, good or bad, is part of God’s design, and we are to honor God by paying the taxes they require (Rom 13:1-7).

Would Jesus increase taxes on the rich or decrease taxes on the middle-class? Liberals and conservatives have their opinions, but Jesus doesn’t say. But He does say give to Cesar what is Cesar’s—and give to God what is God’s.

And here we see the masterfulness of Jesus’ teachings. He never avoided relevant social topics, but He used those discussions to point us in a different direction. While He speaks to the crowd about honoring the government, He teaches them about honoring God. God created each of us and we owe Him our love, obedience, and worship. Jesus’ teaching on taxes ultimately points us to our need to give to God the worship and obedience that He deserves from us. Jesus challenged both liberals and conservatives give honor to whom honor is due, supremely God.

#2 – What did Jesus teach about the Rich and the Poor.

Jesus was known for His remarkable compassion toward the poor and oppressed. At the same time, He fearlessly ministered among the wealthy and powerful. And we can learn from His interactions with both groups.

In the Gospel of John ch. 5 we find Jesus making a stop by a pool in Jerusalem. This wasn’t a pool like you’d find at the Marriott, instead, this pool was a hangout for the marginalized who were blind, paralyzed, and poor.

In the story, Jesus walked over to a lame man and asked, “do you want to be healed?” The man replied that he had no one to help him, to which Jesus responded by telling him to take up his mat and walk. And the man, who had been crippled for 38 years, stood up and walked. Jesus healed him. Let’s make three observations about this story.

First, Jesus was aware of this man’s distress. This pool wasn’t in a part of town most of religious or political leaders frequented. But Jesus was there. He sought out this man and used His power to do alleviate this man’s physical distress. This kind of practical, compassionate love for broken people characterized everything Jesus did.

Second, Jesus didn’t heal everyone at the pool. Many left that day no different than when they arrived. Could Jesus have healed them all? Yes. Then why didn’t He? We don’t know. Jesus regularly left places where people needed to be healed to minister elsewhere. Was He being cruel? No, that would miss the point. Jesus’ miracles certainly aimed to help people, but they had a deeper meaning—to prove He was God’s Son who had the authority to forgive sins.

Third, Jesus taught the formerly lame man about his greatest need. “Afterward Jesus found him in the temple and said to him, ‘See, you are well! Sin no more, that nothing worse may happen to you.’” Jesus called this man to rightly consider his needs. His greatest need wasn’t a healed body, but the forgivness of his sin. Unless he repented, the physical relief he received that day would be of little consolation on the Day of Judgment.

Jesus cared about the poor and He calls His followers to do the same (Lk. 14:12-14). But physical help was given along with spiritual help. Jesus cared about relieving people’s physical suffering, but even more so He cared about relieving the eternal suffering they would face apart from His grace. And this lesson wasn’t just for the poor.

In Matthew 19:21, Jesus speaks to a man known as a rich young ruler (this guy is everything we all desire to be. He’s rich, young, powerful.). He said to him, “If you would be perfect, go, sell what you possess and give to the poor, and you will have treasure in heaven; and come, follow me.”

Jesus knew this man’s heart and was keenly aware that this rich man loved his money more than God. So, Jesus told him that if was going to follow Him, he needed to surrender his love for material things so that he could see gain the things of eternity. In essence, Jesus had the same message for the rich man as He did for the poor man: allow your physical situation to awaken you to the reality that a final day of judgment is coming.

Does Jesus teach that we should help the poor and relieve their suffering? Yes! We should be generous with what we have. But as we see in our second example, Jesus challenged both the rich and the poor to not value physical or financial security at the cost of forgetting that having their sins forgiven by Jesus is our greatest need.

#3 – What did Jesus teach about human flourishing?

Our desire for fullness of life is at the heart of our culture’s conversations about the plight of fleeing refugees, the rights of women and the rights of unborn children in their womb. It is behind the call for marriage equality, and the cries for healing the racial brokenness all around us.

When politicians and educators address this topic, the focus is often on economic development, or opportunity equality, or maybe personal autonomy that gives us the right to do whatever we want without anyone telling us we are wrong. But what would Jesus say about human flourishing?

As with just about everything, Jesus came at the topic in a way we wouldn’t expect. Jesus knows all of these felt needs, but does not see them first as physical issues, but as spiritual ones. Jesus taught that true human flourishing is impossible apart from a relationship with Him. Why? Because each of us, regardless of our political leanings or cultural upbringings, are naturally alienated from God in our sin. But this is what Jesus came to save us from.

Listen to just a few of His words. In John 10:10 He said “the thief [devil] comes only to steal and kill and destroy. I came that they may have life and have it abundantly.” Then later in John 15:10–11 He said, “If you keep My commandments, you will abide in My love…These things I have spoken to you, that My joy may be in you, and that your joy may be full.” Abundant life. Full joy. It is only through Jesus that we understand true human flourishing.

In Mark 8:34–35 Jesus made this even more clear, “calling the crowd to Him with His disciples, He said to them, “If anyone would come after Me, let him deny himself and take up his cross and follow Me. For whoever would save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for My sake and the gospel’s will save it.”

What Jesus is saying is that the quest for human flourishing, and everything else in life, must be understood and submitted to His Lordship. Human flourishing is not “I get to do what I want to do,” but rather that we get to find joy, find life, find abundant life in being freed from our sin and rightly related to God and to other people.

The way we relate to each other does not begin with our own opinions or own desires. Rather, Jesus says that it must be filtered through and submitted to His Lordship. Jesus is King and because of that, all His people surrender their agendas at the door. In our church we have some who will vote for Hillary, some who will vote for Trump, some who will write-in, and some who won’t vote at all. Among them, there are obviously political differences, but they love each other, and show honor toward each other. This was the same among Jesus’ disciples in His day.

It’s safe to assume that Simon (the zealot) and Matthew (the tax collector) had different political views. Both were called to follow Jesus, and both faithfully did so. How does that happen? Because Jesus’ followers know He is greater than our political differences, no matter how important they may be. And it is through relationship with Christ that we can rightly grow to learn from each other, as His teachings guide us.

In fact, I will say on a personal note that years ago, I could never have imagined how a Christian could vote for someone from a particular political party. But through conversations with brothers and sisters in Christ who are different than me, I have grown to see how they seek to honor Jesus with their lives and it has been helpful for me.

What is my conclusion about whether Jesus was a liberal or conservative? As you can imagine, trying to answer this question is like nailing Jell-o to the wall…but here’s my attempt. In one sense Jesus was neither liberal nor conservative and in another sense Jesus was both liberal and conservative.

Jesus was neither liberal nor conservative in the way that we define them because He came proclaiming a higher reality—the kingdom of God. In John 18:36 Jesus said “My kingdom is not of this world…for this purpose I was born and for this purpose I have come into the world—to bear witness to the truth. Everyone who is of the truth listens to My voice.” Jesus came to orient us all, not toward the right or the left, but first and foremost toward heaven.

Jesus didn’t avoid political conversations; but rather, He filtered discussions about politics (and everything else) through His commitment to honoring God the Father. By understanding this, we avoid the dangerous position that Jesus was just a moral teacher like Gandhi, Buddha, or Mother Teresa whose instruction ought be weighed as one opinion among many. We also avoid the dangerous practice of using Jesus as a poster boy for our personal agendas. When we do this, we risk taking His Name in vain and remaking Him into a god after our own image.

Jesus’ teachings exposed the sin in the hearts of everyone He encountered, regardless of which way they leaned politically or where they stood socially. He didn’t care if a free market system said it was ok to have money changers selling marked up animals in the temple, Jesus flipped their tables because it dishonored God.

Jesus came as light, shining into everyone’s darkness, regardless of who they aligned with. In fact, Jesus’ unwillingness to side with the right or the left got Him into a lot of trouble. The two religious powers in Judaism in His day were the Pharisees (ultra-conservatives) and the Sadducees (ultra-liberals). These two groups, hated each other and never find common ground about anything – except that they hated Jesus. The only thing they could agree on was that they opposed Jesus and wanted to dismiss Him, and ultimately kill Him. Liberals and conservatives both opposed Jesus because He didn’t come to further their purposes. He came to call them both to repent, believe in Him and submit to His reign as the King of Kings and Lord of Lords. And that didn’t sit well with either side.

But Jesus didn’t just come to mess with them, He came to mess with you as well. I wonder, does Jesus make you uncomfortable by the way He calls you to turn away from your idols of comfort and enter into the lives of people who are unlike you? To touch the hand of a forgotten leper. To minister to a paralyzed man who reeks of urine. To sit down for a meal with someone of a different ethnicity or different political conviction than you to learn about their fears and hopes. I wonder how Jesus’ teaching affects you here?

Or maybe you’re made uncomfortable with some of Jesus’ commands? Perhaps you appreciate his sensitivity to the lowly, but some of His teachings make you uncomfortable, so you try to pick and choose. You like that He says “don’t judge” but dislike the whole context that instructs you to repent of your hypocrisy so that proper judgment can occur (Mt. 7:1-6). Or maybe you like how He included people from any and all backgrounds, not to affirm their lifestyles, but rather to alter them according to His will.

Naturally we all have issues with Jesus. My guess is that if Jesus and His teachings haven’t offended you at some point, then you’ve never really listened to what He has to say. Jesus was neither liberal, nor conservative.

Jesus was both liberal and conservative. If we were to sift through Jesus’ teachings, we’d certainly see ideals which both conservatives and liberals heartily affirm. While we all have many differences, there are many things we agree upon. We all, regardless of our political affiliation, value mercy. We all want to see an unbiased love of compassion, inclusion and care for the oppressed – though we’d differ on how that should be carried out. Jesus proclaimed and embodied these characteristics of mercy.

In the same way we all, regardless of our differences want to see justice upheld. We want to see the guilty punished, we want to see oppressed defended, we want to see the right thing done for ourselves and for those whom we care about. There is no way we can read the life of Christ and not see justice clearly displayed.

In fact, I would suggest that Jesus is the only person who ever was truly merciful and truly just at the same time. And this fact is at the heart of what Jesus came to teach and to perform. Jesus didn’t come to set up a political system or further partisan cause. He came to deal with ultimate issues. He came to deal with our hearts and our standing with God. He came to teach us about our eternal destiny.

This is the message that Christ proclaimed. He taught that all of us are made in God’s image. That’s why we all desire good things like mercy and justice and love and truth. God made us to reflect Him in that sense. The problem is that while good is reflected in us, we are all completely corrupted by sin. Whether we vote red or blue (or somewhere in between), whether our skin is black or white (or somewhere in between), whether we are rich or poor (or somewhere in between)…all of us have sinned against God and against other people.

When we die, we will be judged for all we have done. All the times we haven’t been just and haven’t been merciful. All the times we hated people who disagreed with us. We are all condemned before God and because He is good, he will bring unfiltered, unreserved wrath on all who have sinned.

But, because God is merciful and He desires none to perish, but for all to know Him and experience His love, He sent Jesus to teach us how to be made right with Him. This is why Jesus came, to seek and save the lost – liberal and conservative alike. The Bible tells us that Jesus willingly became a human being, lived a perfect life w/o sin, and then willingly laid down His life on the cross so that God’s wrath might be poured out on Him. He then rose from the dead, and God now calls all people to turn from their sins and believe in Him so they will be forgiven. That is the message of Jesus and that is the message of Christianity.

So was Jesus a liberal or conservative? I’d say He is the foundation for all the good that both those camps affirm. I’d also say that both camps, and everyone in between, should hear the greater message of Christ which is to believe in Him, have their sins forgiven, and live in light of the life that is to come.

America is not the hope of the world. Government is not the hope of the world. Presidents, Kings, and Princes are not the hope of this world. Jesus is the only hope for this world, and the only hope for you and me.

Should I Tell My Spouse About My Struggles With Sexual Sin?

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“Should I tell my wife?”

Daniel leaned back with no interest in the meal before him. He’d looked at racy pictures again and the weight of conviction was inescapable. He had confessed his sin to God and to me, but should he confess it to her?

What would you tell Daniel?

SEVEN PRINCIPLES

Because every couple is different, there is no one-size-fits-all answer to this question. Some couples are totally transparent with each other, while others find it best to allow accountability to be handled by trusted friends. Regardless of where you land on the spectrum, it is important for husbands and wives to develop a plan to help each other fight sexual temptation.

What follows are seven principles to help you and your spouse wade through this sensitive area together.

1. Help each other make it to heaven.

“Exhort one another every day, as long as it is called “today,” that none of you may be hardened by the deceitfulness of sin.” Hebrews 3:13

My chief calling as a husband is to help my wife love Jesus more. My wife has the same responsibility toward me. In fact, I would suggest that the most weighty and wonderful responsibilities in marriage is to help our spouse make it to heaven. One of the ways to make this happen is by doing whatever we can to help them fight off temptation, including sexual temptation (Heb. 12:1-2; James 5:19-20). We are to be each other’s greatest allies in the journey toward the heavenly city (Rev. 21-22).

Satan will oppose your efforts with all he’s got, but you must not lose sight of this fact: your greatest responsibility as a couple is to help each other home by leaning upon the strength of your Savior. Let the mantra of our marriages be the same as the psalmist, “Oh, magnify the Lord with me, and let us exalt his name together” (Psalm 34:3). This will be painful at times, but it is eternally worth it.

2. Cultivate an atmosphere of intimate trust.

“The heart of her husband trusts in her…” Proverbs 31:11

After God brought Adam and Eve together in the first marriage, we are told, “the man and his wife were both naked and unashamed” (Gen. 2:25). They had nothing to cover up in those days. There were no deleted search histories in Eden. There were no shameful compromises or weeping wounds from unfaithfulness.

Intimacy and trust are still possible outside of Eden, but they don’t happen by accident. They must be cultivated. As 1 John 1:7 promises, “if we walk in the light, as he is in the light, we have fellowship with one another…” There is no better way to deepen trust in marriage than walking honestly and openly together.

Do you hide things from your spouse?

I believe there should be no secrets in marriage. Surprises? Yes. Secrets? No.

Wisdom and discernment is certainly needed on this point. For instance, it is unwise to share every thought that comes in your head or every conflict you have at work or the details of other people’s lives that have been shared with you. We aren’t talking about those kinds of issues. This is a challenge to not intentionally hide sins from your spouse. Death and deceit breed in the darkness. A husband and wife should always be honest with each other about the condition of their souls.

If our goal is to build trust, it probably seems counter-productive to reveal trust-breaking sins. But the fact is, nothing builds trust like seeing your spouse trying to delight in God more than anything else. Honesty and humble transparency, over time, produce intimate trust in your marriage. Walk in the light together.

3. Consider the Basics of Accountability.

“Confess your sins to one another and pray for one another…” James 5:16

At some level, husband and wives should be each other’s accountability partners. Confessing sin to each other should be a normal part of your life together. Because each couple is different, you need to have a conversation about what this will look like in your own marriage.

Here are a few basic ideas:

Talk. If you’ve never had a conversation with your spouse about your struggles with sexual sin, you should have one. Your spouse needs to know to whom they are married. I strongly encourage you to allow your pastor to help you think through how to have this difficult initial discussion.

Plan. Husbands and wives should work together to make an accountability plan (see #4 below). Because your body is not your own (Gen. 2:24; 1 Cor. 7:4) they have the right and responsibility to talk through this with you. Husbands should lead by taking the initiative in this discussion (Eph. 5:22-25) and wives should give husbands the much-needed help they require (Gen. 2:18). Regardless of which spouse is struggling, you need to help each other. Again, it may be wise to involve a pastor or other mature Christian friends in this process.

Ask. Part of the plan should be that your spouse reserves the right to ask you at any time how you are doing in your fight against temptation—and expect to get an honest answer from you.

I would also suggest that you should always have at least one other person, of the same sex, to whom you are accountable, not just about sexual sin. Sin thrives in the darkness. Making regular and honest confession to another believer is one of your best defenses against sin’s power. To learn more about confessing sin to others read this.

4. Agree on Your Approach to Accountability.

I have spoken to dozens of people about this subject and every couple does things differently. What follows are two categories on the opposite ends of the accountability spectrum.

Some couples are very open about sexual temptations. Some couples agree it is best to tell each other when they feel tempted, if they find someone else attractive, if they compromise at all on the internet, if they give into self-gratification, and just about everything else. Couples who take this approach say that complete transparency helps both of them to stay honest and vigilant in the battle against sin.

If you lean toward this option,

Make sure your motives are good. Sometimes seeing the pain that our sin inflicts on the ones we love can be a deterrent to sin, but don’t use your spouse just to unload your guilt and make you feel better.
Don’t expect your spouse to respond well to your sin. Your confession may devastate them. Don’t get all self-righteous because you’re being vulnerable. You’ve sinned against them. Don’t get defensive when they ask questions. Nothing ruins a confession like making excuses. Give them a chance to grieve, process, and go to God. Give them permission to talk to a trusted friend about what has happened if they need to.
If you’ve agreed to a plan, honor it. If you’ve sinned in a way your spouse would expect you to tell them, follow through with being honest. It will be tempting to find a way out and rationalize a million excuses why you don’t need to tell them (I won’t do it again, I don’t want to hurt them, and so on).
Be willing to switch your plan if it seems wise. Insecurities can flourish in unexpected and unnecessary ways in these conversations. I have godly friends who have tried going with the “total transparency” option and found it to be way too much for their spouses to handle. There is no shame in making changes to the plan if necessary.
If your spouse confesses sin to you, you will be tempted to be most worried about how the sin affects you. It is normal to be hurt by sin, but ask God to help you be even more concerned about the way your spouse has strayed from him. None of us can do this perfectly, but plead with God to keep your heart postured in that direction.

Some couples don’t talk about this area in detail unless a certain level of sin occurs. Some couples agree it is best for their spouse to confess struggles with lust to a mutually trusted Christian friend, not to them. They humbly realize they would be too hurt by their spouse’s straying heart or that they feel the struggle is too foreign to them to be able to know how to help them.

If you lean toward this option,

Have an agreed-upon type of sin at which you agree to talk to your spouse. Purity is a heart issue (Matt. 5:28, 15:19), but it is fine for couples to set agreed-upon conversational mile markers. This may be habitually looking at porn, giving in to masturbation, or crossing certain lines with someone of the opposite sex. Pray for God to give you wisdom in this discussion.
Don’t use this approach as a deceptive cover for your sin. Romans 13:14 says “make no provision for the flesh to gratify its lusts.” The well-trusted accountability partner should know what these mile markers are and be willing to inform the spouse if sin were to ever get out of control.
Don’t avoid the discussion just because it hurts. As one wife said to me, “out of love for him, I would want to be a part of the solution, but it would be really difficult.” That’s a good perspective. Growing in holiness and helping others to do the same is hard and painful work. It is humble to know your limitations, but it is also humble to accept your responsibilities. Pray for God to give you wisdom to know the balance.

There is no one-size-fits-all approach to this subject. Some spouses will be able to hear about your struggle, be hurt by it, but recover in the grace of God. Others will be devastated by the fact that you’d even be tempted, even if you didn’t yield to the temptation. We need to live with our spouses in an understanding way and be willing to humbly and graciously build a plan together (1 Pet. 3:7).

5. Ask Each Other Important Questions

As you begin this process together, here are a few questions to help you begin the conversation.

How are we helping each other love God more? How can we do this better?
How can I help you fight against temptation? Who else can help you?
Do you fear talking to me about these things? How can we make our marriage a safe place to have these talks?
Do you have any sins in your life that no one knows about?

For many of us, having this kind of conversation can be terrifying. Some of us don’t want to know what our spouse is struggling with, and some of us don’t want our spouse to know what we’re struggling with. But because God’s glory and the salvation of souls are at stake (Heb. 3:12-14), we must be willing to have tough conversations.

A few weeks ago, my wife and I talked through this article with a couple of close friends. God used that discussion to help them pray and discuss how they could better serve each other in this area. They said the conversation was difficult at times, but in the end God used it to draw them closer than they had been before.

If you want to do this, but don’t know how, I’d encourage you to share this article with your pastor or another mature Christian couple and ask them to help you begin this journey together.

6. Go Make Love

“Do not deprive one another…come together again, so that Satan may not tempt you…” 1 Corinthians 7:5

Much could be said here, but believe this: making love should be a priority in your marriage. God has given sexual intimacy for many reasons, one of which is to help each other fight against sexual sin. Husbands and wives need to be committed to regularly engaging in sexual intimacy.

Some of you may be tempted to feel like a mere outlet for your spouse’s physical desries. Guard your heart from this distortion. As my wife told a friend, “As a wife, you have the great responsibility of protecting your marriage by serving your husband through sex. It’s one of God’s divinely ordained means to help his heart not be as easily tempted by lust. Sex is sometimes a sweet dying to self.” The same truth goes for husbands. Serve your wife through sexual intimacy, through non-sexual affection, and through regular, intentional, attentive conversations. God can use that to help guard her heart from wandering.

For some of you, this encouragement to make love to your spouse brings up a slew of painful emotions. Maybe you have been sinned against gravely by your spouse and the thought of giving yourself to them intimately is almost inconceivable. Maybe you’re facing physiological problems that hinder you from being able to make love. Maybe it’s one of countless other reasons that make sex with your spouse difficult.

If you and your spouse are one of the many who feel this way, please don’t give up. Prayerfully plan and begin working through these issues with your pastor, a gospel-centered counselor, or capable doctor. Be patient with each other in this process and trust that the Lord is able to do more than you can imagine (Eph. 3:20-21).

7. Keep the Gospel Central in Your Marriage.

Husbands and wives sin against each other every day. This is part of marriage in a fallen world. But there is something unique about sexual sin that seems to hurt in a distinctly deep way. And even if they haven’t sinned but are being tempted to do so, the sting of knowing that your beloved’s heart is being tempted to stray can be painful.

So if your spouse comes to you with the weight of sinning against you and the Lord on their back, it will be difficult, but remember that Galatians 6:2 says we are to “bear one another’s burdens, and so fulfill the law of Christ.” Lead them to the cross where they, and you, will both be refreshed and restored by the Lord who daily bears our burdens (Ps. 55:22, 68:19). Plead with the Lord to cover your pain with his grace and you do all you can to cover your spouse’s shame with the truths of the gospel.

Remind each other that the Jesus who spoke severely about sexual sin (Matt. 5:28-30) is the same Jesus who died for those sins and rose victorious over them (Rom. 4:25). He is patient with sinners of all sorts, and promises forgiveness for all who turn from their sin and follow after him (Acts 3:19; 1 John 1:8-9). He promises to intercede for us and provide grace in our time of need (Heb. 4:14-16) while also providing power to help us war against our unrelenting foe (Rom. 8:13; Gal. 5:17).

Moments like these are where the gospel feels most real and most needed. They are also when the power of the gospel can most transform your marriage. God will help you forgive and work through the process of restoration. So don’t lose heart with each other, or with yourself. God’s grace is sufficient, even for what you and your spouse face.

Help each other to heaven. Talk about these things. Cultivate intimate trust. Make a plan. Make love. Cast yourselves upon the grace of God. And do this all with your hope fixed on the glory that is to be revealed. We will be home with Jesus soon, so help each other toward that Day.

For Further Consideration

Heath Lambert’s excellent book Finally Free (ch. 5) discusses how spouses should talk about sexual sin.
Remember that temptation is not sin. This article by Kevin DeYoung may be helpful to read together.
Dr. Russell Moore answers a man who asks if should confess an affair that happened years ago.
Considering marrying someone who struggles with porn? Read Heath Lambert’s article and listen to John Piper’s advice first.
John Piper also addresses whether your spouse’s struggle with porn is worthy of divorce.
What should you do if your spouse confesses that they have committed adultery or is living a secret life of sin? A good article by John MacArthur helps you think through forgiveness, but you must involve the elders of your church in this discussion.

Author’s Note: Thank you to my wife, Zach Schlegel, Jason Seville, Shai Linne, Brian Davis, and the many other brothers and sisters who helped me think through this important topic.

This article was originally published for 9Marks.

Garrett Kell

All Things For Good